Dating? How to Spot a Psychopath

Watch out for these patterns

If you’re active on dating apps, you’ve likely run into more than one. You may even have become involved in a toxic long-term relationship in the past. After being emotionally battered and getting out, you may be questioning your judgment. As you put your life back together you may feel ashamed and blame yourself for not seeing red flags.

It’s easy to fall into the trap. Psychopaths are good at what they do, and manipulation is a hallmark of the personality type.

Let’s start with some definitions.

The word psychopath raises our hackles. It’s scary and brings associations with villains we see in the news, read about in true crime stories, or watch in horror films. That’s only part of the picture. It’s important to realize that most psychopaths are not scary people — at least not when you first meet them. They often epitomize charm and appear to be very appealing individuals.

A psychopath is not mentally ill. They are not psychotic. They are highly rational, logical, and goal-directed. A psychopath is a person with a very specific self-serving personality type.

“Personality” is defined as our characteristic pattern of perceiving, thinking, feeling, and behaving that is stable over time and in various circumstances. “Psychopathy” is the term used that describes the personality traits of the psychopath. Mental illness is something that happens to you; personality is who you are.

These personality traits are associated with psychopathy:

• limited capacity for empathy

• devoid of a normal conscience

• disregard for the rights of others

• self-serving and manipulative

• easily violates social norms and the law

• superficially charming

• an unusually high need for stimulation and prone to thrill-seeking

• sexual promiscuity and serial romantic relationships

• prone to physical aggression

These traits manifest on a spectrum, with some people having more extreme traits than others.

Psychopathy has been extensively studied in recent decades. Though those with this confirmed diagnosis make up only 1-5% of our population (depending on where the sample is drawn), it’s estimated that psychopaths commit 50% of all violent crimes. If we look at each of the traits of psychopathy on a dimensional model, we see that many people have higher levels of these traits than others; some researchers estimate that 30% of the adult population appears to have significant psychopathic traits.

The psychopath in relationships

Any of us can be vulnerable when under stress. The sophisticated psychopath has a radar for a vulnerable person. Someone who’s gone through a recent divorce or other major stressors may be sad and overwhelmed. Another may be struggling with self-esteem and feel needy. The psychopath is talented at identifying fragile people, particularly those who are essentially kind, generous, and trusting. You don’t choose them — they choose you.

Patterns usually include the following:

• Intense interest and focus on you. The flattery is over the top. They seem enamored and lay on the compliments like “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met” or “You are so brilliant.” They make you feel terrific from the beginning. They tend to become intimate very quickly and ask very personal questions. This is to gain information that they will subsequently use to manipulate you. They want to know what makes you tick. They may share very personal things about themselves (which may or may not be true) in order to build a sense of intimacy and gain your trust.

• The psychopath is self-serving thus they search for relationship partners who offer value to them. They may need money, a business investor, a place to live, or a partner with high social status. Choosing a high-functioning, moral partner provides the psychopath with the appearance of legitimacy. They are always out to get their own needs met by manipulating others and are known to be parasitic. They latch on to someone who is useful to them. While they may appear to be kind and generous, they have multiple hidden agendas.

• Once they’ve hooked a partner, they begin to show a callous disregard for their feelings. They don’t really care about others’ needs on a physical or emotional level.

• When they do something that hurts their partner, they are not remorseful. Instead, they are masters of rationalization. The psychopath will often twist reality and try to convince their partner that they have done nothing wrong and it’s the partner’s perceptions that are faulty. This is commonly known as “gaslighting.”

• They tend to be impulsive and prone to aggression when frustrated. Some become violent, break things, or attempt to control their partner with physical intimidation.

• Though they may make verbal commitments to monogamy, they tend to be promiscuous and have serial relationships behind their partner’s back. They have sex for excitement rather than intimacy. Sex is for performance, designed to get the psychopath something; it’s part of the game. When dating, a psychopath may be wooing multiple people at once while promising a solo commitment to each one.

• A high-functioning psychopath may not commit violent crimes; instead, they skirt laws and attempt to get their partner to collude. This may be anything from cheating on taxes or lying on loan forms to extorting money in banking schemes. Many have repeated bankruptcies that ruin their partner’s credit.

• They pile on the charm when they sense a partner is distancing. Sometimes they amplify their stories of victimhood and act pathetic in order to hook their partner’s empathy. They know how to weaponize a sob story.

• Life is a chess game to the psychopath. They want to advance their position. Legitimate intimacy is impossible in this kind of relationship. They are predators and are invested in winning the game and love the thrill of manipulation. They don’t know any other way to live and are not interested in learning other options.

Very intelligent people can be hooked by a psychopath. If we’re lonely, isolated, depressed, or questioning our attractiveness we may become targets. Self-criticism after the relationship ends is common. Why didn’t I see it sooner? How could I have been so naive? Self-criticism isn’t warranted because being a well-intentioned person who trusts others isn’t a sign of stupidity or a mental health problem.

It would be best if you said to yourself, “This could have happened to anyone and I have learned from my mistakes.” A psychopath leaves trauma in their wake and it takes time to sort it out and recover.

The takeaway is that through these experiences we come to understand the patterns and red flags which allow us to avoid such persons in the future; during this process, we should be gentle with ourselves. A relationship like this can leave us with deep insight and wisdom which allow us to move in entirely different, more fulfilling directions.