Relax, Your Kids Will Find Their Path
Support them, even if it's different than what you had in mind
The eighteen-year-old young woman hunched forward on the sofa in my office. Tears spilled down her cheeks, leaving muddy mascara streaks beneath both eyes. “I can’t disappoint my parents no matter how much I hate it here,” she said. “I’m stuck at this school. This is what they planned forever, and they’ve already paid the tuition.”
I leaned forward. “So you’re telling me that even though you’ve been thinking of suicide, you’re not going to let your mom and dad know how miserable you are? You’d rather die than disappoint them?”
She stared at the floor and nodded. “If I go home now, they’ll think I’m a loser. This is all they’ve wanted for me. This college. This major. I’m supposed to become an engineer, but I don’t think it’s what I want. I don’t know what I want. I might as well be dead.”
She had been referred to me by the university counseling department after she had stopped attending classes and disclosed to her best friends that she was thinking of suicide.
As I got to know her, it was clear that though she was intelligent and academically capable, she wasn’t emotionally ready for competitive university life. Neither was she mature enough at eighteen (who is?) to commit to one plan that would set the course of her future. But she felt trapped because experience had taught her that her parents wouldn’t listen to her feelings; instead, they’d try to talk her out of them. If her feelings didn’t line up with their goals for her, then it would be her feelings that were wrong.
I have spent time countless hours with upset kids over the years, from elementary age through college. It’s clear to me that certain patterns come up over and over again.
A 9-year-old broke his arm in a competitive gymnastics class; his mother refused to let him stop and brought him to therapy. He was having panic attacks, nightmares, and stomach aches. She hoped I could spin some magic to make him enjoy gymnastics — because she hoped he’d become a star gymnast. She’d always wanted her child to be a gymnast; what he wanted didn’t matter so much. She was convinced he’d thank her someday for pushing him.
A twelve-year-old with depression, migraines, and insomnia, was enduring a highly competitive private school and daily academic tutoring after school hours, followed by competitive team sports twice a week and evening foreign language classes. Every moment of his day was structured and scheduled by upper-income parents who spent over $100,000 annually on tuition, tutoring, and extra-curricular classes they believed would ensure his success in life. While this was happening, he started cutting himself on his thighs with a razor blade.
An upper-income mother comes to therapy due to nearly disabling panic attacks from her anxiety when the most prestigious Ivy League college rejected her high school senior’s application. “I can’t stop worrying about his future and what this might mean. We’ve been planning on Harvard for years now.” She can’t understand why her son is depressed and angry.
While it’s often assumed that kids have emotional problems due to parental neglect, my experience is that parental over-involvement can also result in severely anxious and depressed kids. Such enmeshed parents assume it is their child’s duty to fulfill their dreams of success and their attempt to get their ego needs met by their child’s accomplishments.
If you measure your worth by what your child accomplishes, you feel inadequate when your child can’t meet your expectations. Even if it’s not stated overtly, kids sense that pressure; they want their parents to be happy and proud of their success. But kids never stop measuring their performance when the standards are rigid and unrealistically high. It creates perfectionism and anxiety that may be lifelong.
Let me be blunt: this is an incredibly unhealthy parenting style, and it’s indicative of the kind of thinking errors that seem to be endemic in certain subcultures in the United States. Let me break these thinking errors down.
I have the power to mold my child into the vision I have for them.
I am the parent; therefore, I know what is best for my child.
There is one path to having a successful life, and I know what it is.
My child’s achievements reflect my success as a parent.
Parents who find themselves harboring even one of these beliefs need to be corrected. They may be unwittingly causing harm, leading to anxiety and depression in their children. These emotional problems often result in behaviors like cutting, eating disorders, insomnia, social problems, substance abuse, suicidal urges, and a litany of other symptoms that are considered to be hallmarks of mental illness.
Let me provide a few facts:
Children are not born blobs of clay that we can mold into whatever image we want. Parents sometimes need to be reminded that every child is an individual with a unique personality that is determined to a large extent by genetics. While it is our job to support our children’s development, we cannot mold them into the chosen design.
Children are not mini-adults. They learn through play and creative exploration; their personalities, interests, and talents emerge gradually over time. There is no one path to becoming a successful human being, just as there is no one definition for what determines success.
The human brain is not fully mature until age twenty-five. Thus it’s not developmentally appropriate to expect that adolescents have themselves figured out. They may not have a clear idea of who they are or what they want to do with their lives until they are in their mid-twenties. This is normal and nothing to worry about.
Stress affects kids even more than it does adults because they do not yet have adult coping skills. When stress comes directly from their parents (who should be their source of support), it’s doubly damaging and leaves them emotionally overwhelmed. These emotional problems typically result in behaviors that will create extra struggles for the child over time.
When parents unconsciously use their children as a source of self-aggrandizement (“look what my child has accomplished”), they are causing harm. This is not love, it’s selfishness.
This does not mean we should neglect our children or assume they will figure everything out themselves. Kids have parents for a reason. They need us. But let’s not engage in thinking errors that cause harm.
Support their interests. Encourage curiosity. Expose them to all sorts of wonderful things in the world. Create opportunities for creativity and free play. Stay attuned to them. Watch for the sparks of joy, the things that light them up; help them do more of that, whatever it may be. Give them a stimulating environment but don’t over-structure their time.
You can encourage, but you can’t mold. Kids do not exist to meet our needs; it’s the opposite. If there are signs that a child is chronically unhappy or struggling, it’s important to understand why and seek help.
There is no one definition of success in life. Let’s open our minds and hearts to all the possibilities in our world and accept the paths our offspring choose. That is what loving parenting is all about.
I hope the parents who need to most will read this.