Denise was in her mother’s kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwich for her toddler when the bullet hit her in the back. Greg, her estranged husband, had shot through the back window, and after shooting Denise, he shot himself in the head. Denise survived, though she had a long recovery. The bullet just missed her spinal cord. With a bullet in the brain, Greg died immediately.
Denise had been my client and fled to her mother’s house two hundred miles away when she decided to leave her violent husband. She thought she’d be safe there.
Though confusing, it happens all the time. People are hurt, stalked, and even killed by those who claim to love them.
“He seemed like such a nice guy,” people said about Greg. “Denise was such a smart woman — how could she have married someone like that?”
Abusive relationships are among the most intensely passionate in ways that can feel temporarily wonderful and alternately tortuous. It’s common for partners in an abusive love relationship to experience euphoria and despair, often on the same day. It’s hard for those on the outside to understand.
There are common patterns to most abusive relationships; we know more about these patterns than we ever have. To make it less complicated (and because it’s most common), I’ll refer to the abuser as “he” and his partner as “she.” Of course, the genders can be reversed; the pattern can also be found in same-sex relationships.
In the past, it was suggested that nearly all victims of intimate partner violence had experienced abuse as children and were, therefore, somehow inherently flawed or damaged. This has been proven to be false. Recent research by the clinician and inter-partner violence specialist Sandra Brown indicates that rather than abuse histories, what victims share are heightened personality qualities of empathy and conscientiousness. They are innately highly compassionate people who see the best in others — sometimes to their own detriment.
Neither is it true that all abusers were themselves abused as children. They are more apt to share a constellation of inherent personality traits, including narcissism, psychopathy, and borderline features. These individuals can be highly manipulative and often resist working honestly with a mental health therapist.
The first clinician to document intimate partner violence's repetitive patterns and stages was Lenore Walker in The Battered Woman (1979). In Walker’s research, she identified repetitive cycles and stages of tension building, discharge of rage, and then self-justification and contrition of the abusive partner. Walker described a honeymoon stage that happens after a blowup in which the couple re-bonds, and the cycle begins again.
With modern advances in neuroscience, we now understand that neurochemicals strongly influence the bonding process, specifically dopamine, oxytocin, and endogenous opioids. These neurochemicals work beneath conscious awareness and cause partners to bond deeply, diminishing their ability to see one another realistically. This is a process biologically akin to addiction. Partners experience a deep sense of comfort when together and intense cravings for one another when they are apart. Such cravings override logic. We can long for someone who hurts us, at least sometimes.
These relationships are wickedly dangerous but don’t appear so at first.
They start off gloriously. The passion has never been more intense. The love is intoxicating; the sex is hot; each feels the other is their perfect partner. Despite all this, these are traumatic relationships that can end in death.
Since Walker’s work, research has continued, fine-tuning our understanding of what couples commonly experience. Psychologist Allison Miller published research on “Dissociation in families experiencing intimate partner violence” in the Journal of Trauma and Dissociation (2017). This work expanded Walker’s stage theory, adding more information on the internal dynamics of both the abuser and the victim of intimate partner violence. Miller’s work fits exactly what I have witnessed with clients.
Family therapists refer to sustained interactional patterns in a relationship as a “dance” between two people. There are predictable steps in an intricate choreography in an abusive relationship; both partners move in sync with one another, even though neither is consciously aware of what they are doing.
Breaking down the specific pattern elements and naming them is an essential key that allows one to consciously make choices to change the pattern. Let’s start with the concept of dissociation, as identified by Miller.
Dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s feelings, thoughts, memory, and sense of identity. When dissociative, it can seem that a person changes so dramatically, often in an instant, that they become someone else. It’s the Jekyll/Hyde syndrome in action though not to the extent that they have more than one personality—it just feels that way. It can be more accurately described as the abuser having one personality that tends to fragment.
There are not only sudden and unexpected shifts in mood in a dissociative state; the individual perceives the world through an entirely distorted lens. It’s through this altered lens that they view their partner. Suddenly they behave completely differently. The abuser shifts from adoring his partner to seeing her as a threat, an adversary, an enemy. He shifts into attack mode; such attacks may be verbal, physical, or both.
As he becomes someone else, he perceives her to be someone else.
The abuser’s assaults on his partner most often begin during the first year of the relationship. She is confused and typically believes this to be an anomaly, totally out of character. He typically apologizes afterward and blames the episode on external stressors.
Both believe it will never happen again. Neurochemicals drive an intense bonding period called the honeymoon stage. She believes the “good him” is really who he is; she assumes the honeymoon phase will last.
The honeymoon phase is intoxicating, and addiction is non-rational.
Despite what happens in the home, the abuser may be consistently kind, pleasant, and charming elsewhere. She believes that this is the “real” him.
Before long, the abrupt shifts into an abusive state happen more frequently, and the abuser begins to blame his partner for his behavior. His rage escalates, and the abuse escalates accordingly. In response, the partner is terrified and begins to believe that these episodes are indeed her fault. This is when she begins the pattern of responsively dissociating, and her behavior changes accordingly.
She experiences the inner state of a terrified child as she accepts responsibility for his rage. She begins apologizing to reduce his anger, which may appease him and reduce his aggression in the short term.
In her own dissociative state, she sees herself as at fault and becomes increasingly careful to avoid setting him off. She begins to focus on ways to comfort and soothe him.
In this process of responsive dissociation, she loses her power as a competent adult woman, something unseen by those who know her in other contexts. Both partners may seem highly competent in other situations since the dissociative dance happens only within their relationship.
After an arrest for a violent offense, it’s common for friends and colleagues to say things like, “I can’t believe he would do this — he’s such a nice person.”
We also hear, “She’s so smart and capable — why would she let someone abuse her?”
A woman subjected to intimate partner violence may function as a powerful person in her workplace or social setting; others who know her cannot imagine her tolerating abuse.
Miller describes the early phases of a violent intimate relationship as an unconscious collusion between the partners. The partners keep their dance private; since it happens during dissociative mental states, it’s easy to forget. If it begins to move into conscious awareness, it feels shameful to share the truth with others who typically respond with, “Why have you let this happen?” The woman doesn’t have an answer to the question. She truly doesn’t know.
The couple has a shared secret; she experiences alternating cycles of being adored and idealized, then shamed and tormented. They breathe the same air and become each other’s oxygen. The bond is intense and driven by the neurochemicals dopamine, oxytocin, and endogenous opioids.
As his rage episodes increase in frequency and fury, her response is to accept the blame for his behavior; she makes attempts to comfort him in order to stay safe. If she tries to leave, he often threatens to kill her or himself. Murder-suicides are not uncommon; in some cases, children are also killed. Unfortunately, I have witnessed threats, murders, and suicides in my work with violent relationships. We can’t underestimate the potential danger.
If the dissociative aspect of this dance is made clear to the victim of violence, she can begin to gain a more conscious understanding of it and feel less confused. Keeping the logical part of the brain engaged allows her to regain a sense of agency about her life as she learns to manage her emotional responses.
Therapy and support can take time and hinge largely on helping the victim remember the abusive episodes' reality without being shamed. When she understands what has happened to her and the dual state of his personality (which is unlikely to improve over time) she can start to let go of her own dissociative process and work with a counselor to explore safe ways to exit the relationship. Safety is everything.
I’ve seen hundreds of individuals successfully rebuild their lives after leaving violent relationships. I’m still in touch with many of them from distant years past. Though life has not been easy since Greg tried to kill her, Denise has recovered well. Understanding that no one intentionally becomes a victim is the key to reducing the shame and blame that helps survivors reach out for help and heal.
Very nicely laid out. I kept asking myself as I read to what degree might I be or have been an abuser. The way you laid out the details invites that, which I believe is a good quality. I am not sure that was ever in your intention (and if you tell me it was I will half believe you because, well, you are you, and you speak with the tongues of the dead and the yet unborn) but it seems to me worth mentioning as feedback to consider for future work's focus.
That an abuser would ever consider his behavior a bad thing I assume is doubtful. But what there must be ways of approaching an abuser to invite self-reflection. I am not suggesting that as a project, a fool's errand. But I am thinking of persons who may not be full-blown narcissists (at least I hope not) but who may question their own behavior at one time or another.
As someone who was the abused in a relationship and stalked for over a year (or was it two?), I had and have trouble figuring out what was going on. I was lucky to have had three friends with overlapping experience who advised me and helped me escape.
One is a trained forensic psychologist, a man, who knows me and met the woman. He has revealed to me much over the decades of our intimate friendship about what is actually going on with people that no one including they do not seem to notice. He had gone from Algeria to France circa late 1960s-1970s at the time of student strikes, his family having been prominent in the liberation movement in Algeria (his mother was tortured by French authorities among other things). He worked in the prisons in France under the minister of the interior and experienced incredible racism, even while getting accolades and kudos from the top officials. He spat on their offer to make him a full French citizen if he stayed and worked with them, opting instead to marry and move to the US. He did not immediately apply for US citizenship either. We should talk more and possibly with him, before he dies. He is dying of cancer.
The second was herself a victim in one of the most famous cases, a book and movie (perhaps two films?) were made about her experience, and the Helter Skelter prosecutor served as her defense attorney in the murder case, even if she did do time for the piracy charge, but what could she expect? She was the one who knew how to navigate.
The third was man whose wife was the victim of a triple murder, a disgruntled ex-employee returned with a machete and the rest is case history. It was only by this act that my friend found out his wife was having an affair with the boss at that job. They had three children at the time. So he was forced to deal with a lot of stuff all at once while also having responsibility over the kids.
Now, if that ain't like having the ultimate dream team of street-hardened advisors in a bad situation, I don't know what is. The last fellow died but the other two are still with us, both cancer survivors so far.
I look forward to your writing more than I can express. I hope my comments here are helpful and also validate the great value you work holds for ordinary persons. Keep writing. I'll keep reading, and come away asking questions. Hopefully, we'll all become better for it.