3 Comments

Very nicely laid out. I kept asking myself as I read to what degree might I be or have been an abuser. The way you laid out the details invites that, which I believe is a good quality. I am not sure that was ever in your intention (and if you tell me it was I will half believe you because, well, you are you, and you speak with the tongues of the dead and the yet unborn) but it seems to me worth mentioning as feedback to consider for future work's focus.

That an abuser would ever consider his behavior a bad thing I assume is doubtful. But what there must be ways of approaching an abuser to invite self-reflection. I am not suggesting that as a project, a fool's errand. But I am thinking of persons who may not be full-blown narcissists (at least I hope not) but who may question their own behavior at one time or another.

As someone who was the abused in a relationship and stalked for over a year (or was it two?), I had and have trouble figuring out what was going on. I was lucky to have had three friends with overlapping experience who advised me and helped me escape.

One is a trained forensic psychologist, a man, who knows me and met the woman. He has revealed to me much over the decades of our intimate friendship about what is actually going on with people that no one including they do not seem to notice. He had gone from Algeria to France circa late 1960s-1970s at the time of student strikes, his family having been prominent in the liberation movement in Algeria (his mother was tortured by French authorities among other things). He worked in the prisons in France under the minister of the interior and experienced incredible racism, even while getting accolades and kudos from the top officials. He spat on their offer to make him a full French citizen if he stayed and worked with them, opting instead to marry and move to the US. He did not immediately apply for US citizenship either. We should talk more and possibly with him, before he dies. He is dying of cancer.

The second was herself a victim in one of the most famous cases, a book and movie (perhaps two films?) were made about her experience, and the Helter Skelter prosecutor served as her defense attorney in the murder case, even if she did do time for the piracy charge, but what could she expect? She was the one who knew how to navigate.

The third was man whose wife was the victim of a triple murder, a disgruntled ex-employee returned with a machete and the rest is case history. It was only by this act that my friend found out his wife was having an affair with the boss at that job. They had three children at the time. So he was forced to deal with a lot of stuff all at once while also having responsibility over the kids.

Now, if that ain't like having the ultimate dream team of street-hardened advisors in a bad situation, I don't know what is. The last fellow died but the other two are still with us, both cancer survivors so far.

I look forward to your writing more than I can express. I hope my comments here are helpful and also validate the great value you work holds for ordinary persons. Keep writing. I'll keep reading, and come away asking questions. Hopefully, we'll all become better for it.

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